There is no question that relationships change with time. The more time a couple spends together, the more they start to take each other for granted if they're not proactive in maintaining their relationship. The majority of couples who stay together rate their relationships as "unsatisfactory" or "unhappy." Some people look at this statistic and say, "There's something wrong with commitment and long-term relationships!" However, what is needed is a deeper understanding of the complexity and unconscious strivings present when two people fall in love.

This workshop presents a very positive view of marriage and all intimate, committed relationships, but one that is not well understood by couples and many therapists. Participants will see that the source of conflict is closely related to the unconscious aspects of the attraction to "this particular person" and that the love connection that follows and ultimately results in conflict also contains the potential for significant growth, passion, love and healing.

The skilled couple's therapist must be a good educator, motivator and trainer. Participants will gain skills and tools to motivate couples to actively participate in understanding their frustrations and in developing relationship skills. Walk away with the knowledge to guide couples in a step-by-step manner to learn what the sources of their struggles are and how to separate these sources from the everyday triggers with kindness and empathy.

Course Content

INTRODUCTION

·  Definition of couples

o   heterosexual/homosexual

• married/living together

• remarried/stepfamilies

• cross-cultural/mixed religions

UNDERSTANDING THE SOURCES OF CONFLICT  

·         Learn the six most common things couples fight about

·         The importance of understanding the source

o   Lincoln memorial story

o   Blowing away the smoke or putting out the fire

• Dealing with the source(s)

  • discovery

  • collaboration

  • taking responsibility

  • the importance of slow growth

BRAIN PHYSIOLOGY AND EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY

·         The primitive brain and “time”

·         The primitive brain and Mr. Magoo

• fuzzy perceptions and emotionally confusing partner with a parent

·         Cuts and scabs  wounds and protections

• emotional hurts and defensiveness as a preemptive measure

• emotional hurts as a survival issue

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE 

• Creating safety

• The four critical moments in each day

• The language of love

UNDERSTANDING STAGES IN RELATIONSHIPS

• The enchantment stage

  • I love you not because of who you are but for who I am when I’m with you! (when love really is blind)

·         The power struggle

• The two become one— – “and I get to be the One”

• The crossroads

  • divorce

  • parallel marriage

  • the journey of work, growth, and love

HELPING COUPLES UNDERSTAND, ANALYSE AND THEN CREATE AN ACTION PLAN FOR GROWTH AND HEALING

·         The Revised Restructuring Frustrations Interview

o   filling out the form

o   separating the past from the present

o   “You have not because you ask not?”

o   the most commonly left out part of a marital argument

o   becoming realistic                  

• developing empathy

• taking responsibility

• correcting distortions

• developing self-care

·         Case histories looking at the content and the source of marital conflicts

·         The sharing process  increasing safety so you can take risks

COUPLES AND COMMUNICATION

·         Pre-marital communication

·         The Conscious Dialog Process

• The message sent is rarely the message received

• How can you feel those emotions? I don’t when you do it to me!

• I don’t agree with anything you said!

• When communication and therapy don’t work